(Un)gratitude #uncosynchro

It’s a post-modern title, I know. “Alright, stop what you’re doing because I’m about to ruin the image and style that you’re used to.”

Apparently this is about to be a brain dump, but first: For over the next year, if I can keep up – have you seen this blog? – I will be participating in Uncosynchro, a project started by UNCO 2014 participants. We have been tasked, should we choose to accept it, to delve into the upside-down Kingdom values of Lord Jesus Christ and describe what we have found.

May you find the fruits of this exercise a fraction of what it will do for me.

I try to be grateful. I really do. It’s been drilled into me by my parents, teachers and my incessant belief that I should not think too highly of myself. Actually what I believe is much more striking. I’m supposed to think of others as higher than myself, which by itself isn’t too bad, but in order to do so I diminish myself instead. Then, whatever I receive, whatever goodness comes my way or just so happens to be expressed in my being is purely happenstance. Because nothing in me is worth being grateful for, so I believe, I downgrade the thought of my very self.

This is terrible.

There’s no celebration let alone acknowledgment that I am created in God’s image, “fearfully and wonderfully made,” as the Hebraic psalmist bellows. And it’s no wonder my sense of worth is shot.

Before you think I’m going to throw out the baby with the bath water, trust me I will not. Besides, what an awful thing to say. At any rate, I do not want to think more highly of myself than I ought. Lord knows I struggle with sin and putting God and Jesus’ ways first and foremost in my life. I am not tossing my human propensity to grievously err aside.

You see, my attempts at being grateful have been a sham. I’m not grateful. A lot of the time I’m sad, confused and angry. How could I not be? I don’t believe I’m worth much of anything.

But if God looks upon me as God’s own beloved child, with gifts and talents given me for the betterment of our world, and I believe it, than I might be full of gratitude. If Jesus is a “friend of sinners,” cares for the sick and sits at the dinner table with prostitutes and tax collectors and tells those the world says are important to give up their seat at the head of the table, and I believe it, than I might not only grateful but full of awe and wonder.

Through tears of joy, I actually may not be able to help but praise God, give thanks and be grateful. I pray it be true. Sometimes, I even believe it.

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5 thoughts on “(Un)gratitude #uncosynchro

    • Okay, here it is. I spent much of my life with similar struggles, “mental gymnastics” and I’m a lousy gymnast. It’s a mystery, this finding our true worth in God but remaining humble and meek. We too often err in one direction or the other; pride or low self esteem. I find solace in reading the ancients and how they come to the place of contentment. Not least among these witnesses is Thomas a’ Kempis and the little handbook titled “The Imitation of Christ”. Maybe in the imitating lay our contentment?

  1. Pingback: (UN)Gratitude | uncosynchro

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